 Greetings Everyday Spy, There is no way to win in a battle of will -- everyone loses.
It is a common mistake to think that you lose when you 'give in' and win when you 'push harder.'
In reality, the damage to trust, respect, and professionalism far exceeds the value of whatever outcome you think you 'won.'
In espionage, you call this a 'negative sum' outcome. And I'm sure you've seen it before:
I've seen these 'battles of will' play out in countless languages, on 6 continents, from uneducated tribesman to hyper-educated royalty.
And they always end the same -- with two losers.
In more than one instance, one of the losers ends up alone and forgotten (and often with a knife or a bullet in the back).
You have to change the battlefield if you want to turn a 'negative sum' outcome into a win-win situation during a battle of will.
And you stand to gain the most from this simple skill when you apply it in your everyday household -- with the people you love and cherish more than anything else in the world.
My youngest child, Alai, goes through bouts of defiance.
She's as willful as a little person can be -- attacking me, Jihi, and her brother with everything from words to fists and even enraged screams!
It doesn't matter if we're asking her to brush her teeth or telling her to pick up her toys, on bad days, every conversation seems to melt down into a blind fury.
Going head-to-head with this willful child will end badly… for everyone.
But Jihi and I have a tactic we learned at CIA that the kids still haven't figured out.
It's called, 'The Proximity Effect,' and while it was useful to us in spying, it has been priceless to us in parenthood!
Triggering this super-tool is simple with young children because they already have complete trust and unconditional love for you.
It gets tricky with older children, because every battle of will you have with them degrades their trust/love because of the 'negative sum' outcome in each willful argument.
Just look back on your relationship with your own parents to prove it.
I'd wager my entire salary this year that you trust your parents less now than you did when you were 4 -- and you have an ocean of childhood injustices still clear in your memory that made it happen.
Next time you find yourself arguing with your child, whether they are 2 or 22, force yourself to stop talking… that is step one to trigger the Proximity Effect.
Step 2 depends on their age:
The power of this tactic is in the silence and the touch.
With my daughter, her willful anger lasts about 2 minutes after I trigger the proximity effect. After that, she leans into the hug and immediately transforms back into a calm, collected version of herself.
My older son melts even faster, because we've used this tactic with him since he was 2.
Even Jihi, my wonderful adult wife, can't hold her willful anger for more than 7-10 minutes when I just sit with her in silence with my hand on her knee.
(I last half as long as her when our roles reverse!)
Master this tactic at home and you'll quickly learn how to use it in the field -- with clients, peers, business partners and even investors.
You stand to gain the most with 'positive sum' outcomes, win-win scenarios that everyone looks for and very few can deliver.
The Proximity Effect can transform any argument in your favor, and transform your long-term success along with it! Godspeed, #EverydaySpy P.S. - Understanding the difference between willpower and self discipline gives elite operators an edge in life. Learn their secret from my FREE Ultimate Self Discipline Hack special report. Follow @EverydaySpy on Social Media!
Andrew Bustamante, Founder of EverydaySpy.com, is a former covert CIA Intelligence officer, decorated US Air Force Combat Veteran, and respected Fortune 500 senior advisor. Learn more from Andrew on his Podcast (The Everyday Espionage Podcast) and by following @EverydaySpy on your favorite social media platform. |
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