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Editor's note: On this Friday, we take a welcome respite from markets, from the economy, from politics, from the sturm und drang of the day. Instead, we publish an abridged version of the 1906 classic, The Devil's Dictionary, written by the satirist Ambrose Bierce. It provides"alternative" definitions of common words that you certainly won't find in Webster's. This work has been labeled one of "The 100 Greatest Masterpieces of American Literature." We think you'll see why. |
A |
ABSURDITY, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. |
ACCOUNTABILITY, n. The mother of caution. |
ACHIEVEMENT, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust. |
ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous. |
ACTUALLY, adv. Perhaps; possibly. |
ADMIRATION, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. |
ALLIANCE, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third. |
ALONE, adj. In bad company. |
APOLOGIZE, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offence. |
ARENA, n. In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in which the statesman wrestles with his record. |
ARISTOCRACY, n. Government by the best men. (In this sense the word is obsolete; so is that kind of government.) |
B |
BEAUTY, n. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. |
BEFRIEND, v.t. To make an ingrate. |
BEG, v. To ask for something with an earnestness proportioned to the belief that it will not be given. |
BIGAMY, n. A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will adjudge a punishment called trigamy. |
BIGOT, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain. |
BIRTH, n. The first and direst of all disasters. |
BORE, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen. |
BOUNDARY, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other. |
BRIDE, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. |
BRUTE, n. See HUSBAND. |
C |
CAPITAL, n. The seat of misgovernment. |
COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's uneasiness. |
COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E. |
CONGRATULATION, n. The civility of envy. |
CONGRESS, n. A body of men who meet to repeal laws. |
CONSERVATIVE, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others. |
CORPORATION, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. |
COURT FOOL, n. The plaintiff. |
CUI BONO? [Latin] What good would that do me? |
CYNIC, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. |
D |
DAY, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. |
DEBT, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave-driver. |
DEFAME, v.t. To lie about another. To tell the truth about another. |
DESTINY, n. A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure. |
DICTATOR, n. The chief of a nation that prefers the pestilence of despotism to the plague of anarchy. |
DIPLOMACY, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country. |
DISCUSSION, n. A method of confirming others in their errors. |
DISTANCE, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs, and keep. |
DISTRESS, n. A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. |
DUTY, n. That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire. |
E |
ECONOMY, n. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford. |
EDUCATION, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding. |
EGOTIST, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. |
EMANCIPATION, n. A bondman's change from the tyranny of another to the despotism of himself. |
ENTHUSIASM, n. A distemper of youth, curable by small doses of repentance in connection with outward applications of experience. |
ERUDITION, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull. |
EVANGELIST, n. A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religious sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation of our neighbors. |
EXCEPTION, n. A thing which takes the liberty to differ from other things of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc. |
EXCESS, n. In morals, an indulgence that enforces by appropriate penalties the law of moderation. |
EXILE, n. One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not an ambassador. |
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F |
FAMOUS, adj. Conspicuously miserable. |
FASHION, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey. |
FIB, n. A lie that has not cut its teeth. |
FIDDLE, n. An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's tail on the entrails of a cat. |
FIDELITY, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. |
FINANCE, n. The art or science of managing revenues and resources for the best advantage of the manager. The pronunciation of this word with the i long and the accent on the first syllable is one of America's most precious discoveries and possessions. |
FORGETFULNESS, n. A gift of God bestowed upon doctors in compensation for their destitution of conscience. |
FREEDOM, n. A political condition that every nation supposes itself to enjoy in virtual monopoly. |
FRIENDSHIP, n. A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul. |
FUTURE, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured. |
G |
GALLOWS, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the leading actor is translated to heaven. In this country the gallows is chiefly remarkable for the number of persons who escape it. |
GENEROUS, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble by nature and is taking a bit of a rest. |
GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for the settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left unadjusted. |
H |
HABIT, n. A shackle for the free. |
HAND, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. |
HAPPINESS, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. |
HATRED, n. A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. |
HEAVEN, n. A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own. |
HISTORY, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools. |
HOPE, n. Desire and expectation rolled into one. |
HOSTILITY, n. A peculiarly sharp and specially applied sense of the earth's overpopulation. Hostility is classified as active and passive; as (respectively) the feeling of a woman for her female friends, and that which she entertains for all the rest of her sex. |
HUSBAND, n. One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the plate. |
HYPOCRITE, n. One who, professing virtues that he does not respect secures the advantage of seeming to be what he despises. |
I |
IDIOT, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. |
IGNORAMUS, n. A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know nothing about. |
IMMORAL, adj. Inexpedient. |
IMPARTIAL, adj. Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions. |
IMPIETY, n. Your irreverence toward my deity. |
IMPUNITY, n. Wealth. |
INDISCRETION, n. The guilt of woman. |
INFANCY, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward. |
INSURANCE, n. An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table. |
INSURRECTION, n. An unsuccessful revolution. |
J |
JEALOUS, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping. |
JUSTICE, n. A commodity which is a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service. |
K |
KILL, v.t. To create a vacancy without nominating a successor. |
KLEPTOMANIAC, n. A rich thief. |
L |
LABOR, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. |
LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law. |
LEARNING, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious. |
LECTURER, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith in your patience. |
LIAR, n. A lawyer with a roving commission. |
LIBERTY, n. One of Imagination's most precious possessions. |
LOCK-AND-KEY, n. The distinguishing device of civilization and enlightenment. |
LOGIC, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. |
LONGEVITY, n. Uncommon extension of the fear of death. |
LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. |
M |
MAD, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. |
MALEFACTOR, n. The chief factor in the progress of the human race. |
MARRIAGE, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two. |
MAUSOLEUM, n. The final and funniest folly of the rich. |
MEEKNESS, n. Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while. |
MERCY, n. An attribute beloved of detected offenders. |
MISDEMEANOR, n. An infraction of the law having less dignity than a felony and constituting no claim to admittance into the best criminal society. |
MISFORTUNE, n. The kind of fortune that never misses. |
MORE, adj. The comparative degree of too much. |
MOUTH, n. In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of the heart. |
N |
NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient. |
NOISE, n. A stench in the ear. Undomesticated music. The chief product and authenticating sign of civilization. |
NOTORIETY, n. The kind of renown most accessible and acceptable to mediocrity. |
NOMINEE, n. A modest gentleman shrinking from the distinction of private life and diligently seeking the honorable obscurity of public office. |
O |
OCEAN, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man — who has no gills. |
ONCE, adv. Enough. |
OPPORTUNITY, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment. |
OPTIMIST, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white. |
P |
PAIN, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another. |
PATIENCE, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue. |
PEACE, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. |
PHYSICIAN, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well. |
PLEASURE, n. The least hateful form of dejection. |
POLITENESS, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy. |
POLITICS, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. |
POSITIVE, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's voice. |
PRESENT, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope. |
PUSH, n. One of the two things mainly conducive to success, especially in politics. The other is Pull. |
Q |
QUILL, n. An implement of torture yielded by a goose and commonly wielded by an ass. This use of the quill is now obsolete, but its modern equivalent, the steel pen, is wielded by the same everlasting Presence. |
R |
RATIONAL, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection. |
RADICALISM, n. The conservatism of to-morrow injected into the affairs of to-day. |
REALLY, adv. Apparently. |
REAR, n. In American military matters, that exposed part of the army that is nearest to Congress. |
REASONABLE, adj. Accessible to the infection of our own opinions. |
REFORM, v. A thing that mostly satisfies reformers opposed to reformation. |
RESOLUTE, adj. Obstinate in a course that we approve. |
REVERENCE, n. The spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to a man. |
REVOLUTION, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. |
RUM, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers. |
S |
SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited. |
SAW, n. A trite popular saying, or proverb. (Figurative and colloquial.) So called because it makes its way into a wooden head. |
SCRIBBLER, n. A professional writer whose views are antagonistic to one's own. |
SELF-ESTEEM, n. An erroneous appraisement. |
SELF-EVIDENT, adj. Evident to one's self and to nobody else. |
SELFISH, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others. |
SENATE, n. A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors. |
SOPHISTRY, n. The controversial method of an opponent, distinguished from one's own by superior insincerity and fooling. |
SUCCESS, n. The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows. |
SYCOPHANT, n. One who approaches Greatness on his belly so that he may not be commanded to turn and be kicked. |
T |
TELEPHONE, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. |
TELESCOPE, n. A device having a relation to the eye similar to that of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us with a multitude of needless details. |
TREE, n. A tall vegetable intended by nature to serve as a penal apparatus, though through a miscarriage of justice most trees bear only a negligible fruit, or none at all. |
TRUTH, n. An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance. |
TRUTHFUL, adj. Dumb and illiterate. |
TWICE, adv. Once too often. |
U |
UGLINESS, n. A gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtue without humility. |
ULTIMATUM, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions. |
V |
VALOR, n. A soldierly compound of vanity, duty and the gambler's hope. |
VANITY, n. The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass. |
VOTE, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country. |
W |
WALL STREET, n. A symbol of sin for every devil to rebuke. That Wall Street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves every unsuccessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven. |
WAR, n. A by-product of the arts of peace. |
WASHINGTONIAN, n. A Potomac tribesman who exchanged the privilege of governing himself for the advantage of good government. |
WEDDING, n. A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable. |
WINE, n. Fermented grape-juice known to the Women's Christian Union as "liquor," sometimes as "rum." |
WIT, n. The salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out. |
WITCH, n. (1) Any ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil. |
X |
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Y |
YANKEE, n. In Europe, an American. In the Northern States of our Union, a New Englander. In the Southern States the word is unknown. (See DAMNYANK.) |
YEAR, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. |
Z |
Brian Maher |
for Freedom Financial News |
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